You're Allowed to Outgrow Your Toxic Friend Group
You'd think the friendships that have lasted the longest would be the safest ones. Sometimes they are. But I've sat across from more people than I can count who are white-knuckling their way through a decades-old friend group that stopped feeling good years ago — and didn't know they were allowed to name that. Everyone wants that perfect “Friends” or “How I Met Your Mother” friend group, but real life isn’t scripted, and “frenemy” fights don’t always have a safe resolution with a laugh track.
Decades-long friend groups that form in college, high school, or even grade school develop their own norms, the same way a family does across generations. Sometimes that produces rich, nostalgic bonds. Sometimes it produces something closer to enmeshment — patterns so old and so unquestioned that toxic, even abusive, dynamics can hide in plain sight. This can sound like "that's just how we've always been" or “so-and-so never knows how to take a joke.”
So how can you tell if you’re stuck in a toxic friend group?
Questions Worth Asking Yourself
Can I be truly vulnerable with every individual person in this group? Are there certain individuals I’d instinctually avoid opening up to?
Would these friends stand up for me if someone else in the group was being unkind?
Do I actually enjoy these people's company, or do I just feel obligated to show up to events?
Have my values evolved as I've grown up — and if they've diverged from the group's, are my views respected?
How often is my kindness taken advantage of here? And, just as worth asking — how often do I take these friends for granted?
What To Do About It
Remember you're an individual with free will. You can make your own choices. Don't want to go to the weekly happy hour because you're exhausted or have something else going on? Then don't go.
Get curious about your own insecurities. What does separating from the group a little actually bring up for you? A fear they'll talk about you in a separate group chat? A fear of being seen as a bad friend?
Practice self-advocacy and assertiveness. Saying what you actually think, even in a group that's used to you agreeing, is a skill — not a betrayal.
Prioritize the one-on-one relationships that matter most. Is there someone in this group you wish you were closer to? Schedule time with just them, more often.
Stay out of the interpersonal drama. Steer away from the gossip when you can — the same way you'd want someone to do for you.
If any of this is landing a little too close to home, you're not alone, and you don't have to sort it out by yourself. Therapy is a great place to start spotting these patterns more clearly — to name what's actually been happening in a relationship you've maybe never let yourself look at directly. It's also a place to practice the harder parts: rehearsing what assertiveness sounds like out loud, trying out a boundary before you set it for real, and building the self-advocacy skills that a lifetime in one group might not have given you much room to develop.
A friend group doesn't have to be perfect to be worth keeping. Any cohort is going to have its quarrels. But you do deserve to feel safe in your friendships, and to have a community that is supportive and engaging as you yourself grow and evolve.
Author: Shelley Snapp LMFT-AS
Licensed marriage and family therapist and AAMFT Approved Supervisor in the Philadelphia/Doylestown area, specializing in anxiety, perfectionism, and burnout. Also provides clinical supervision to LMFT associates in PA and NJ.
The content on this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be, and should not be taken as, a substitute for professional mental health assessment, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship between you and Shelley Snapp or Shelley Snapp Therapy.
Every person's situation is different. If you're struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional in your area, or contact your primary care provider for a referral.
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), available 24/7, or go to your nearest emergency room.
